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【文书关9】留学文书案例剖析第3例:超强硬件申牛剑,一篇PS收拒信

日期:2021-07-06 17:02:22

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本文主人公是一位18FALL申牛津CS的学弟,18FALL最终申请失利,拿到了曼大的offer,不甘心,决心GAP一年继续19FALL重申。


拿到学弟CV的时候有点懵:国内TOP5本硕,本科GPA排名2/205,本硕期间共6篇文章,其中4篇SCI,2篇1作,2篇2作。根据以往案例,此类型硬件申牛津CS博士胜率很高。然而深入分析其申请过程后,不禁唏嘘:


 申请规划太晚且没有套磁,12月零星发了几份邮件无果而终


 PS和RP按照我们的标准,连初稿质量都没有达到,却直接拿去网申


此文重点分析该同学的整篇PS:


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Initially, I contacted Professor X and wanted to do my doctoral research in X under her supervision. After getting permission from X, I believe that I am capable, regarding academic background, research and work experience, to apply for a doctoral placement at the Department of Computer Science, University of Oxford.


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Graduating from X in its X Engineering BSc programme, I have obtained a solid foundation academically and achieved outstanding result in my study. During the undergraduate stage, I got an average overall GPA of X, ranking in the top 1% students among X undergraduates in the course, with many remarkable honors, e.g. National Scholarship, X Scholarship, Excellent Student of X (Top Prize), Outstanding X Leader, and etc.


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My excellent performance is not only demonstrated in theoretical study but also in lab practice. I spend most of my spare time in the laboratory in debugging laboratory apparatus or calculating experiment data. I conducted independent research, for instance, the design of X. I was enrolled in the X of China, participating in the research on X system. Based on my research projects, I have completed 4 papers, which were accepted by A, B, C, D, respectively. Also, an English paper will be submitted to E before X. Besides, another paper about X has been submitted to F. Recently, I am concentrated on a paper about X via X method.


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I do want to pursue my doctoral studies at the University of Oxford. Oxford, well known for its spirit of creativity, excellence of academic atmosphere and the diversity in culture, will provide me a better prospected environment in scientific research, where I can grow successfully to be an expert in the field of X. In Oxford, I will get the chance of learning from the most reputable professors and acquainting myself with elites from the whole world. In my postgraduate period, I hope to make more progress in the research and have my papers published in top journals. My dream is to be a university teacher, devoting my whole life in researching for more advanced knowledge and imparting my knowledge to more students. Thus, after doctoral studies, I want to enter a leading university to start my teaching career and continue with my research projects.


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 整体:整篇为流水账形式,无切入,无过度,无高潮。从reviewer的角度,我无法看出此申请者任何特殊之处;


 首段:空洞且无说服力,且所提及的professor并未在套磁过程中有任何positive feedback,此处空穴来风为一大忌;


 主体段:完全是CV的搬运,从GPA到文章发表到奖励,与CV主体内容无异。之前小课堂提过,CV是骨架,PS是血肉。主体段落作为reviewer只能看到骨架;


 结尾段:没有将short-term goal与Long-term goal紧密联系,未提及从oxford可以得到的实际资源如何助力之后的所有goals,reviewer第一感觉是完全套模板,这里套用任何一个学校都可以用;


 语言:纯中式思维,全篇基本都是baby language,完全口语化表达;


 逻辑:西方文化最注重的论证逻辑性完全没有体现,每一段落没有环环紧扣,散落无序。简单来说,就是“我就是很牛逼;我就是很想去牛津”而不是“我为什么很牛逼,哪些论点论据证明我很牛逼;我为什么要来牛津,牛津为什么一定要录取我”。


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此学弟research proposal存在同样严重问题,但由于专业定向性较强,此处不予解析。综合PS和RP,作为系里的reviewer,我会直接把他的材料归为C档,连与第二轮申请者同时考虑的机会都不会给。

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