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【文书关12】留学文书案例剖析第4例:提交网申前一天,我删掉了这篇PS

日期:2021-07-06 16:57:52

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本文主人公申18FALL入学的Goldsmiths-MA Design,2018年11月初材料齐全后准备提交前夕,找到团队审核了一遍所有文书,包括PS/CV/RL及Portfolio。其中CV/RL尚佳,Portfolio专业度不够,PS被全盘推翻,遂决定接受指导重做。

11月底提交网申后,12月拿到1对2面试,面试过程被刷,后通过重新准备面试,并争取到二面,最终拿到offer。

该同学的整篇PS原文及点评见下文。




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Since I was a child, I have always been interested in XX. My father has set an excellent example for me in the career life. His strong passion for XX has still infected me and made me realise how important it is to pursue what I am good at and passionate. More importantly, as a businessman, my father’s commercial thinking inspired me to know that products can both commercial and social values. In my father’s backyard, I learnt how to install XX. During my handwork experience, my father told me that even we had much experience in XX, there is always necessary to study on the design.    


★ 又是常见的“从小我就感兴趣”的cliche。大家记住,Reviewer对这种开头一般都不会看,因为已经视觉疲劳,且完全不接受“兴趣从小就有”的bullshit;

★首段完全偏离了自己专业的主题,“父亲的角色”感觉适用于孩子之后学习任何专业的引导;换句话说,最后的design换成economics/engineering/marketing等,毫无违和感,这就是大部分中介都在套用的“模板首段”;

蓝色背底语法问题百出,黄色背底多为baby language或Chinglish:请注意这是一篇即将用于投递的PS最终版!



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With this passion for design, I chose design as my subject and grow my blood in design deeply in XX University, School of Design. I benefit from my college, not only because the excellent teaching system and responsibility,but also high-class academic resources among the world. I had opportunities to attend the XX Association to renew my design thinking. Due to 4-years study, I caught up with new concepts of design continuously and built up my knowledge construction of industrial design. And what is more important, I have learnt how to live like a designer and enjoy my life    



★ 完全没有看到任何选择design相关的passion or motivation;

★ 本段犯了PS内容段一个大忌:笔者是通过学校的资源和学校平台的优越性,而不是自己的努力,在design专业进行成长。Reviewer在阅读中完全无法看到笔者本科期间自身的努力所在,而都是外部条件造就的结果;

★ 给人自吹自擂无边际bluffing的感觉:笔者说自己已经慢慢成为一名designer,却无任何solid evidence证明自己有designer的能力,或如何丰富自己任何与design专业相关的能力、经验及技能;

★ 笔者在关于本科四年的学习阶段只有这一段描述,作为reviewer,甚至会觉得笔者这4年的education background是缺失的;

★  蓝色背底黄色背底与之前一致,绿色背底属于语言表达思维混乱。



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Considering my interest and ambition, I want to become a more professional researcher and practitioner in design. In the long term, Iprefer to work as a designer and build up my own company in the future. My future company shall be a design and creation driven company. Through campus experience and professional practice, I realise that there is still a gap for me in pursuit of my dream as being a designer in this field. Here, I sincerely hope both my skill and determination are qualified for the standard of your postgraduate program. I choose your program because yours are one of the best places in the United Kingdom for improving and nourishing my design both in the aspect of technique and concept. As you can see, after what I have striven, I determine to develop my art to its fullest potential. Thank you very much for considering my proposal.

★ 对不起,全文通读后,作为Reviewer,我确实没有看到你任何的interest or ambition;

★ 对于long-term goal,切忌吹嘘任何“大理想”。如此处作者说自己要开公司。那么Reviewer的思维是,我需要看到你的business idea, approaches and schedule。所以除非你真的有这些可以写,否则不要为了“大理想”而找麻烦;

★ 再次对不起,全文通读后,作为Reviewer,我也没有看到你的任何skill or determination是符合我们这个学校或学院的要求的;

★ 对于“为什么选择我们学校”的原因,不切实际且空洞无特色;换句话说,此段貌似对于任何一所学校申请都适用,Reviewer会感受到对于笔者来说,我们学校并不重要;

★ 最后一句话亮了,但在团队接手过的PS中却很常见。谨记:PS叫做个人陈述而不是一封套磁信。Reviewer最希望的是3分钟内看到我为什么可以录取你的种种理由,而不是满满的诉求感。



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打分:50/100;

审阅时间:少于1分钟;

材料归类:C类

综合点评:作为一篇即将投递的文书,逻辑结构上尚可;语言上巨多语法错误、表达混乱、用词用句极其不当;最重要的内容上空洞无味、纸上谈兵、毫无血肉

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